Your House of Cards Is Gonna Fall...

My mother tells me, "Why do people say 'I don't hold cut cards'?...How do you expect to win if you don't have any cut cards?"

As this last week has unfolded, I've found myself teetering on the brink of insanity. Love can make you do that...

I was at my brother's graduation dinner and found myself in a heated brawl with my ex on why he couldn't end things. It wasn't fair. I never deserted him. I've gone above and beyond for him. What he didn't do for me. Who I wasn't for him etc.

As I stood there engulfed in tears wondering how the man that I have loved and has caused me so much strife for 3 damn years (cuz deallin with niggas can make it seem like 12yrs smh) has decided he's leaving me, I wondered what the hell was I doing? I couldn't stop myself, my heart was in a full out brawl and wanted to fight to the death. When I finally came back and had a seat. I was dazed. On my sister's account, it looked like I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown (which seems like an ominous reminder of the very thing I had told my ex months before) and that I didn't look like was going to be OK. I talked to friends about it. All agreed, I had given more, he wouldn't have lasted as long as he had without me. Affirmation that I wasn't crazy for feeling the level of betrayal I felt.

But still, I was hurt, no mortified. My soul ached for him like never before. I felt sick. I was hurting and he was OK.

And then, I decided to give his "mother" a call...

{Enter "Cut Card"}

Now, his "mother" (this is his "black mother" as he was originally adopted by a white family whom he deals with on a limited basis, and consequently sees his black family as his "real" family) and I have always had a typical relationship. Not too deep, surface level mostly because for some reason he never wanted us to talk too in depth. The one time we did and we consequently sided with one another he was furious. From that moment on he made it seem like his mother tolerated me but didn't think I was right for him and of course that makes any girlfriend uneasy. But I did know one thing: he feared this woman and this woman didn't play.

So I decided to take a chance; I had to.

She immediately called me back asking what was the matter. I told her how the tale of events unfolded and it seems as if everything was a surprise to her. She didn't know we had broken up. She never said she didn't like me or that I "would never fit into their family" and she definitely wasn't mad that I had sought insight on how to deal with her son from his brother, to no avail I must add. If anything she was appreciative of all that I did for her son. But as I told her everything (and I do mean the chopped & screwed but big picture of everything) she became more and more upset with him just as I was. How he could be in Cali with some other girl and then break up with me via txt? How could he wreck my car twice in one night and then get mad when I ask him for the money to get it fixed when he's got new Jordan's on his feet? How could he complain when he was living rent and bill free with me? Anyone would assume that a mother would just send their condolences to the end of the relationship, bestow some kind words and then carry on with her daily life.

But this woman talked me out of the place of emotional insanity I was getting close to. She affirmed for me what her son had not: that he was in fact selfish and that he had character flaws, that I had been extremely good to him, that you don't just desert people etc.

Then she offered to me her support. on a woman to woman level. She said "It seems like what you really need right now is objective support and I'm more than willing to give you a refresher course in learning how to love yourself again." Everything she told me were things that I had known deep in the belly of my stomach but had quieted in order to stay with her son. The more we talked the more I could feel myself coming back to reality. Like she said, I wasn't to blame for his actions because they were disgusting, demeaning and debasing towards women and if she had raised him from the ground up, that would've never been the case. Again she told me to call her if I needed to be uplifted and that I needed to tell her about my progress. Talk about an Oprah moment.

Then she sent me the txt msg she sent to my ex: "Had an enlightening conversation... Call me when you get your lies together..."

Damn, how many books have I won by now?

And then she followed up with txt msgs that just affirmed and brought peace to my spirit. And THEN she followed up with an email again stating how if I needed anything or just needed to talk to call her anytime. She stated that my ex would probably be blowin my phone up because he was mortified that I had told his mom everything (but I told her that would be impossible b/c I blocked his number) but one day he'd apologize and mean it.

Lovely gesture; but I don't need it. After all this, it would'nt mean two shits and a damn...

See, whenever you're dealing with matters of the heart sometimes, especially when some one's not playing fair, you have to use the "cut card" the thing you know its going to cause the most internal damage because that's the only way destructive people learn. And we all know mama's have a way of telling you about yourself because they know you, the "internal" you, better than you know yourself...

It's hard when your house of cards fall huh?

Three Year Old Wine...

Its been beyond a good minute since I've been on here. So much has changed...yet as I look through my profile, much has stayed the same.

I am again changing ...

So I'm sure you're wondering what brought me back to this place, and as most stories will tell you..it was love. Or in my case, love lost...


I could drown you in the particulars (which I might do anyway so don't hold your breath); I could tell you he wasn't worth sh*t and didn't have a pot to piss in...but that's all irrelevant now...

What I will tell you is that in the course of three years I have loved someone so deeply that when he's not laying by my side my soul aches for this man. The very fibers of my being longed for him and twisted themselves in the direction that HE would go....

Deep huh?

The problem in this love, I loved so hard so deeply that I compromised the very essence of my being. I compromised my happiness for his, and sacrificed my freedom of thought, speech and moral beliefs to hold this man in my presence. And it got me where you ask? Alone while together (yes a "second hand lonely" as Toni Morrison's 'Sula' would say), and alone now that we're apart. Not to mention a pretty good amount of time, energy, money etc wasted.


I lost who I was in trying to make someone else happy. In trying to create the life they wanted and neglected what I wanted. Well actually, let me rephrase that. I didnt loose who I was, I just merely lost sight of who I was. So it's simply a matter of finding perspective, refocusing and remembering.

Now if I told you I was OK, it would be a bold faced lie. I'm not. But after talking to a mutual friend I realized that I acquiesed and I gave the very best of myself in the name of love. And that makes me a selfless, giving fighter.


I depleted myself. Its like a fighter who's in the ring but never stops to hydrate himself. In fact I think that's the main reason why he left. I had always given and never was depleted because I always hid a part of myself soley for me. And when I got to the point of depletion in this relationship, he didn't see the young woman he had known before. Of course it would've been heroic if he had been the one that filled me back up; picked up my fragile limbs and carried me into the sunset to nurse my wounds, but you know it didn't happen that way. In all honestly, one could say I'm a shell of the young woman I was before. Weak, used goods, weathered by stormy love, heated arguments and torrential flooding brought by tears of a bruised and broken heart.


But...as I think it over...I'd like to think of myself as a wine bottle instead. See you can't pour old wine into a wine bottle; the bottle will explode. Therefore, you can only pour new wine into a wine bottle.

So: The old wine has been depleted and now its time for new wine.

A new toast to life...

So my toast to myself is to never again give so much of myself without reciprocity. To never forget that no matter how much and how deeply you love someone, a part of you,you must always ALWAYS keep and hold for you and you alone. A piece of you that is untouchable. A bottle that only you drink wine from. You can call it selfish, but really, it's self preservation.

After all, aged wine can't age if its opened and is constantly being depleted....

So I'll pour some new wine into this bottle of mine...

And this time, keep the cork in a lot longer....