Three Year Old Wine...

Its been beyond a good minute since I've been on here. So much has changed...yet as I look through my profile, much has stayed the same.

I am again changing ...

So I'm sure you're wondering what brought me back to this place, and as most stories will tell you..it was love. Or in my case, love lost...


I could drown you in the particulars (which I might do anyway so don't hold your breath); I could tell you he wasn't worth sh*t and didn't have a pot to piss in...but that's all irrelevant now...

What I will tell you is that in the course of three years I have loved someone so deeply that when he's not laying by my side my soul aches for this man. The very fibers of my being longed for him and twisted themselves in the direction that HE would go....

Deep huh?

The problem in this love, I loved so hard so deeply that I compromised the very essence of my being. I compromised my happiness for his, and sacrificed my freedom of thought, speech and moral beliefs to hold this man in my presence. And it got me where you ask? Alone while together (yes a "second hand lonely" as Toni Morrison's 'Sula' would say), and alone now that we're apart. Not to mention a pretty good amount of time, energy, money etc wasted.


I lost who I was in trying to make someone else happy. In trying to create the life they wanted and neglected what I wanted. Well actually, let me rephrase that. I didnt loose who I was, I just merely lost sight of who I was. So it's simply a matter of finding perspective, refocusing and remembering.

Now if I told you I was OK, it would be a bold faced lie. I'm not. But after talking to a mutual friend I realized that I acquiesed and I gave the very best of myself in the name of love. And that makes me a selfless, giving fighter.


I depleted myself. Its like a fighter who's in the ring but never stops to hydrate himself. In fact I think that's the main reason why he left. I had always given and never was depleted because I always hid a part of myself soley for me. And when I got to the point of depletion in this relationship, he didn't see the young woman he had known before. Of course it would've been heroic if he had been the one that filled me back up; picked up my fragile limbs and carried me into the sunset to nurse my wounds, but you know it didn't happen that way. In all honestly, one could say I'm a shell of the young woman I was before. Weak, used goods, weathered by stormy love, heated arguments and torrential flooding brought by tears of a bruised and broken heart.


But...as I think it over...I'd like to think of myself as a wine bottle instead. See you can't pour old wine into a wine bottle; the bottle will explode. Therefore, you can only pour new wine into a wine bottle.

So: The old wine has been depleted and now its time for new wine.

A new toast to life...

So my toast to myself is to never again give so much of myself without reciprocity. To never forget that no matter how much and how deeply you love someone, a part of you,you must always ALWAYS keep and hold for you and you alone. A piece of you that is untouchable. A bottle that only you drink wine from. You can call it selfish, but really, it's self preservation.

After all, aged wine can't age if its opened and is constantly being depleted....

So I'll pour some new wine into this bottle of mine...

And this time, keep the cork in a lot longer....